Meditation is getting me through

This has been a very trying week for me. I’m feel like I am just fighting every single day to not fall into a depression. I have moments where I just feel so completely hopeless. I start to think about all of the things I can’t do anymore because if I try again, I’ll have a flare up. I can’t go dancing, I can’t stand at a parade, I can’t go to a concert that isn’t seated, I can’t go running. These are all things I have done this past year and have ended up after only about an hour being in excruciating pain that will last for days. These are all things I love to do. So what do I do from here? I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet. If you look at me, I look perfectly healthy. I keep thinking that if I air out what’s going on with me on Facebook people are going to think I’m just a hypochondriac, even though I believe inside my loved ones don’t think that. I think it’s because after 12 years I have been in some sort of denial that something is wrong. After this last flare up I finally realized that no, this isn’t normal. That’s when I started taking notes. It’s also a way to keep reminding myself that no, this isn’t in my head.

I have another appointment with my Hematologist on Tuesday to see the results of my labs and also, since my CT scan was denied by my insurance, what the next step will be. I’m really nervous, not even of finding out if something is wrong, I’m more nervous about what it will mean with my health insurance. You know you’re an American when you’re paying out the ass for services you are denied. WTF United Healthcare!!

I am a Teacher and my students are really what help me get through that part of my day. Everything else about my job just feels like a job and I hate that. I always felt like Teaching didn’t feel like a job for me. Yes it has its ups and downs but it never felt like a “job”. Now it does. I think because my mind is constantly going and I’m struggling with getting all the millions of things I have to do at work done while still dealing with chronic pain every single day and also having my mind constantly consumed with what the hell is wrong with me.

I found this sweet baby today stuck in my breezeway today. Helped her out and released her.

I have however been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do when I retire, in about 10 years hopefully. I would love to see the country. And I mean, by selling the house, buying an RV, and traveling the country in search of nature, amazing weather, semi-seclusion (with my husband of course), and just feeling free. I’m not sure what my future holds for me as far as health goes, but I want to stay positive and keep thinking I will very likely still be able to enjoy my retirement years.

So in the meantime I just keep meditating, enjoying my family, and looking for the little joys in everyday life. I am really really really trying to stay positive. I get so annoyed with people who seem to always complain about negative crap, and ohmygod I sure have been feeling like that’s exactly what I’m doing. Honestly that’s one reason I decided to write this blog. So I can just get it all out, without worrying who I’m annoying with my problems. So here I go. I’m just going to let it all out here, but my mind is going a million miles per hour, and I could seriously just type constantly on here about my thoughts. Holy run-on-sentences Batman! I used to journal pretty much all through my 20s. Then I had this stack of books and decided I’m ready to move forward in my life, and forget about all that so guess what….I just through them all away. Somewhere in some landfield are my darkest (aka dumbest) secrets of my life. Having a blog is just so easy because there’s always that delete button, which I actually used on my last blog a few years ago. I’ll try not to delete anytime soon.

Symptoms this week: feet hurting when walking, constant vertigo, head fog, blurred vision, trouble focusing, back pain, weak achy legs, tripping over my own feet, knee buckled a few times, migraines, depression, irritable, shoulder pain.