MRI this morning. I won’t find out the results till Friday. I feel like I’m just going to keep hearing “well nothing showed up” and I won’t have an explanation as to what’s been happening for the last 12 years. So I will continue to meditate every single day because it helps so much. I feel much more calm, a lot less stressed, and way more patient. I’ve been sleeping better and my overall attitude has drastically improved. Apparently it took Montel Williams 20 years of dealing with chronic pain before he finally got a diagnosis. So, I will just continue to push on. It’s finally Spring and I’m ready to come straight home and start working outside….as much as my body will let me….and then I’ll just relax outside and listen to Rooster up in my magnolia tree.MRI is finished. Laying there unable to move for an hour really irritated my back and legs though, so probably no gardening today. I felt like I was inside of an 8bit video game with all that noise. Just relaxing outside. It’s a full moon tonight. Perfect time to meditate and clear away any negative energy I’ve built up since the last one. Don’t forget to walk barefoot in the grass to ground your root chakra and raise your vibrations. 🌕🧘🏻♀️🙏🏼🕉️Full moon meditation tonight! Balanced chakras, sound bath, and reiki. Now I’m charging my gemstones overnight in the moonlight. It’s still there even though there’s cloud cover right now. If anything, the rain water might amplify it even more. Look around you…there’s new growth everywhere….even within. 🍃
I had an amazing night at my church Friday night. 3 hours, 333 Tibetan healing bowls, chocolates infused with essential oils, and oils on our wrists all to help balance our chakras. Healing vibrations, frequencies and real talk. “I’m not going to set you on fire just to put you out.” “We are releasing all that does not serve us.” “We are all here for ascension.” It all just kept reaffirming to me that I’m on my intended path. Truly unforgettable.
I’ve been reading so much about chakras and frequencies lately, and I really didn’t know what to expect from the meditation, but it was just an extension of what I had already been practicing. Saturday afternoon I went to a Gem show and bought a large selenite wand. There are a lot of uses for that, so I was anxious to add that to my collection.
Saturday afternoon I went to another meditation at my church, also done by Dr. Dream. This one was a sound bath. It was amazing. I kept seeing waves of triangles. I decided to look it up today and this is what google said about it.
“1. Triangle light in the face
If you are someone who is free from all the attachments in the universe, then you will have this vision during meditation.
This vision during meditation means that your needs are moderate, you have no ego and have lost interest in proving yourself to the society.
You are not attached to your success, and you don’t get affected by failure either. This vision means you have overcome all worldly things, endured heat and cold and witnessed happiness and sadness.
The person realizes that nothing matters. Outer things are influenced by external forces, and once you get closer to your spiritual self, you start detaching from such physical things.
Once you attain these qualities, you start getting triangle light visions during meditation.”
I am on the right path. Everything just keeps pointing me in the right direction. I can feel it.
Sunday was our usual Sunday service at church. I go to Unity, which is a non-denominational church that incorporates teaching and commonalities from other faiths. This month’s theme is (R)evolution. Perfect for spring time.
My next test is monday, an MRI of my brain. I’m hoping for some kind of diagnosis, but I think it’s definitely gotten a lot easier to occupy my mind in other ways instead of focusing solely on my pain, which is what I’ve been doing prior. Doing that, just amplified my pain even more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely not gone, it is constant, but I’m not giving it the attention that I was before, and I’m also not a nervous wreck about my MRI monday. I will manage. I will keep pushing forward. No matter what.
Ever since I went to that healing circle last weekend I have felt pretty amazing. I’ve been reading so much about chakras and reiki. I know it’s just whatever to some people, but as with anything, you get from it what you put into it. I’ve been changing my meditations to focus on certain chakras based on how I’m feeling, whether it’s physically or emotionally. Ever since I’ve done that my mood has been completely elevated.
Today we went to an RV show. It was pretty awesome actually because when I retire I’d love to just sell my house, buy an RV and travel all over the country. Seeing these in person really made that dream seem a step closer. I felt fantastic these last few days, hardly any aches or pains. Today I woke up with a slight headache, but I was very excited to go to that RV show, so I pushed through. After about 2 hours of walking around I had a raging migraine, vertigo was out of control, anxiety was elevated, my right knee kept me from walking into any RVs because the step down was unbearable, and then my lower back started to hurt. So, I had to call it a day. We went to eat after and my head was pounding. I finally made it home and I came into my sanctuary (former garage turned woman-cave, library, art studio, meditation room) and played a frequency for my third-eye chakra and just laid down on my sofa with my eyes closed. My headache started to finally slip away. Once it became more manageable I decided to continue it with meditation. After about 40 minutes that migraine was gone. Completely gone. Take from all that what you will, but it’s helping me, so I’ll continue to do it.
All of this has definitely helped my sleep. Maybe it’s the stones that I’m wearing to bed, or meditating every evening. But I feel more like myself every day.
I finally had my CT scan on my brain Thursday. I will find the results on Tuesday afternoon. If it’s normal, then we will see if an MRI is next. I don’t want the all clear. I want an explanation as to why I have felt like this for 12 years. I’m trying not to consume myself by focusing only on my pain. Even if I’m reading about chakras, or RV life, I’m keeping my mind occupied on something else, which is what I need right now.
I feel like I need to be prepared for modern medicine to not be able to help me deal with this pain. I’ve been looking into more of a holistic approach. Like I said I’ve been dealing with this pain for about 12 years now. I’m just finally starting to be taken seriously by doctors. I have a CT scan scheduled for this Thursday. In the meantime, as I await some kind of diagnosis I have to find a way to cope with the pain I experience every single day. Some days I feel like all I can do is just sit there and wait for it to pass.
A close friend of mine took me to a women’s meditation circle on the full moon last week. It was amazing. They had a “sound bath”. I’ve never even heard of this. I’ve studied Buddhism and practiced it for almost 20 years now, and I know about the Tibetan singing bowls, but I’ve never heard of how the frequencies can heal the body. I felt amazing while I was sitting there with my eyes closed. Of course I still felt the pain, but the sounds distracted me from being consumed by it. It was like a whirling bell was ringing in circles around my right ear, then floating in front of my face, and then floating and spinning around my left ear. It was pretty incredible.
The following day I decided to go back to church. It’s not like any other church I’ve ever been to. It’s called Unity. They welcome people from all walks of life and all religions and the sermons often include teachings from different religions. It is mostly a Christian church, however, they talk more about the similarities between the religions rather than the differences, and how to apply those principles into every day life. It’s always positive and uplifting. I’m not a regular church goer. I was raised Catholic, and that has put me off of churches almost entirely…until I went to Unity. I usually meditate and pray (usually for strength) alone, but when I need that extra nudge to lift me up, I go there.
Between the women’s meditation circle Saturday night and church on Sunday morning, my soul felt lighter and I felt like I was ready to start looking more at alternative paths to healing. I ordered some books on Chakras, and Reiki. A friend of mine gave me an inversion chair to see if it would help my back and I felt so strange after. I don’t know if it really made my back feel better. I felt like my blood pressure went up, and I also felt dizzy and light headed. So I came into my studio and decided to meditate, but this time, I was listening to a soundtrack of Solfeggio Frequencies that a friend told me about. When I finished I felt completely clear headed and even my vision seemed clearer. I don’t know if it was because of listening to the frequencies or what, but I’m going to keep going with it.
I believe that the mind is powerful. I believe that your thoughts can manifest things in your life. I don’t know where this will lead with me, but I love to read, so I’m putting down the Fiction for a while and start reading about how I can improve my quality of life, on my own, because I sure know that my doctors never seem to be in a hurry for that and I’m tired of just thinking about my pain all day every day. I really do feel that since my mind is so focused on it, it likely is making it worse. Thoughts? Suggestions? Recommendations on books? I’d like to know. 🙂
This is a really good app for anyone who deals with chronic pain. I woke up this morning and started thinking back to all the stuff I’ve bought over the years thinking I was just sleeping wrong , going to bed with a heating pad on high (so glad I didn’t burn myself up on my mattress), wrist guards, knee braces, ankle braces, I used to live with a TENS unit on, constantly on my back years ago, not to mention different chiropractors, deep tissue massage, and even accupuncturists. Whenever I’d go to my doctor I’d only remember about 10% of what I should be telling her. I’d seriously forget. So I finally started writing down all my symptoms and took it to her and then it finally clicked with her that something was going on with me. Anyhoo, I wanted an app that I could actually see a chart of trends or triggers that can lead to flare ups. This one is really cool. I also looked at my planner this morning to see what was going on before my last big flare up that had my back locked up and pretty much unable to get up for 2 solid days. And it was definitely stress that triggered it. My planner was FULL even on weekends…meetings at school and after school, our trip to Ren Fest was a nightmare that time around, nonstop Girl Scout action for weekends in a row, art teacher conference in Galveston that I drove to and from for 3 straight days….it was non stop. Seeing all that and what it did to my health was eye opening. My mom used to say, “don’t you ever slow down?” And we’ll….my body was finally like “bitch we gonna make you slow down now take this!” Like I said I’ve had these spasms for 12 years now and not realizing that this is NOT normal until now. But it isn’t just stress. I can’t go dancing anymore. I can’t stand up at a concert anymore. I can’t watch a parade while standing up anymore. I can’t do any digging while gardening anymore. Because even when I’m not stressed, all of those things lead to a shooting pain that runs the length of my spine within an hour. That’s not normal. I’m rambling now but this is helping me remember. The severe hip pain I felt from trying to run last summer was part of it I’m sure. I miss dancing. My last 2 trips to Numbers to go dancing left me in excruciating pain. I had to stay on the stool. I was finally able to go see Social Distortion in concert and spent nearly the entire night in the lobby sitting down because I was about to start crying because my body was screaming at me. I got really depressed thinking of the things I can’t do anymore. But I’m working on acceptance and still finding ways to just enjoy being places without overdoing it. Anyhoo if you stuck around and read all of this you deserve a major award. I wish I would have been logging all this over the years but I guess it’s good I’m doing it now.
One of my Administrators told me I needed to accept my new normal and make the adjustments I need in my classroom to make things easier for me. Also to talk to my kids (students) openly about my situation which could also teach them compassion. Let me tell you I did that and I was completely overwhelmed with love, support, and hugs from my kids. One of them later told me after school that it sounds like the same health issues his mom has. He also opened up to me that he didn’t know what to say to her but that he was afraid of her dying. And that really hit me hard. We had a very long talk about just helping her, offering her hugs, and not to take it personally if she’s grumpy because scared people can be grumpy people. Then he gave me a hug. These kids sometimes help me way more than I help them and they don’t even know it.
This has been a very trying week for me. I’m feel like I am just fighting every single day to not fall into a depression. I have moments where I just feel so completely hopeless. I start to think about all of the things I can’t do anymore because if I try again, I’ll have a flare up. I can’t go dancing, I can’t stand at a parade, I can’t go to a concert that isn’t seated, I can’t go running. These are all things I have done this past year and have ended up after only about an hour being in excruciating pain that will last for days. These are all things I love to do. So what do I do from here? I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet. If you look at me, I look perfectly healthy. I keep thinking that if I air out what’s going on with me on Facebook people are going to think I’m just a hypochondriac, even though I believe inside my loved ones don’t think that. I think it’s because after 12 years I have been in some sort of denial that something is wrong. After this last flare up I finally realized that no, this isn’t normal. That’s when I started taking notes. It’s also a way to keep reminding myself that no, this isn’t in my head.
I have another appointment with my Hematologist on Tuesday to see the results of my labs and also, since my CT scan was denied by my insurance, what the next step will be. I’m really nervous, not even of finding out if something is wrong, I’m more nervous about what it will mean with my health insurance. You know you’re an American when you’re paying out the ass for services you are denied. WTF United Healthcare!!
I am a Teacher and my students are really what help me get through that part of my day. Everything else about my job just feels like a job and I hate that. I always felt like Teaching didn’t feel like a job for me. Yes it has its ups and downs but it never felt like a “job”. Now it does. I think because my mind is constantly going and I’m struggling with getting all the millions of things I have to do at work done while still dealing with chronic pain every single day and also having my mind constantly consumed with what the hell is wrong with me.
I have however been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do when I retire, in about 10 years hopefully. I would love to see the country. And I mean, by selling the house, buying an RV, and traveling the country in search of nature, amazing weather, semi-seclusion (with my husband of course), and just feeling free. I’m not sure what my future holds for me as far as health goes, but I want to stay positive and keep thinking I will very likely still be able to enjoy my retirement years.
So in the meantime I just keep meditating, enjoying my family, and looking for the little joys in everyday life. I am really really really trying to stay positive. I get so annoyed with people who seem to always complain about negative crap, and ohmygod I sure have been feeling like that’s exactly what I’m doing. Honestly that’s one reason I decided to write this blog. So I can just get it all out, without worrying who I’m annoying with my problems. So here I go. I’m just going to let it all out here, but my mind is going a million miles per hour, and I could seriously just type constantly on here about my thoughts. Holy run-on-sentences Batman! I used to journal pretty much all through my 20s. Then I had this stack of books and decided I’m ready to move forward in my life, and forget about all that so guess what….I just through them all away. Somewhere in some landfield are my darkest (aka dumbest) secrets of my life. Having a blog is just so easy because there’s always that delete button, which I actually used on my last blog a few years ago. I’ll try not to delete anytime soon.
Symptoms this week: feet hurting when walking, constant vertigo, head fog, blurred vision, trouble focusing, back pain, weak achy legs, tripping over my own feet, knee buckled a few times, migraines, depression, irritable, shoulder pain.